The First of the Four Deadly Beasts

Depression: It's the most horrible and empty feeling any living creature can experience. It's like being on another planet...another world far away from this existence. Everything around us is like in slow-motion. We want to express ourselves, feel, laugh, smile, but instead we just stay still and look...watch...don't participate or offer anything to anyone else. We don't even have the power to act because our minds and bodies are controlled and numbed by this horrible beast.

In my case, I went to many doctors, repeating to each one over and over again the feelings and not getting an answer from anyone. It came to the point I realized, "What the heck?!" They just don't understand and they're really NOT listening to you...Either they're crazy or I am! It's funny because once you mention "depression" to them, that's it. It's part of your history and EVERYTHING that happens to you from then on is "depression." They don't test any further or listen to what you're saying about other symptoms..they just chalk it up to "depression." Or...as they call it "Hormonal Imbalance." So they treat the "Hormonal Imbalance," never getting to the root of the problem. I went through many years of suffering, trying to understand how to change this and stop taking prescription drugs. They only tormented me with their side effects and made me feel like I was in a non-real world. I hated it. And I almost lost myself forever in this state.

On top of everything else, your friends, loved ones, EVERYone around you tries to cheer you up by saying "you can do it," "You're fine...there's nothing wrong with you.." "Shake it off, keep busy..." That's not how it is. The saddest thing is that you have to keep functioning in this, one way or the other because nobody is going to help you through this because "there's nothing wrong with you.." So you keep cooking, washing clothes, cleaning the house, buying groceries, paying bills, getting up and going to work...going through the motions of life but not living it...not enjoying it. Just smiling at solitude. Wow! :( How hard it is!

And on top of everything else...if you're married or with someone on an intimate level you still have to perform. And how can you enjoy that???? When you have no feelings or desires at all, how the Hell are you supposed to enjoy it?! At least, when it's over, he's happy and you are left numb once again, not knowing what just happened. That's depression.