Well, something did happen much worse than the depression and anxiety...and it happened before anything else, much earlier in my life...I believe it was the root of all this suffering.
Ever since I was a little girl, I always had these dreams. They always began with a black shadow...It came on top of me and started choking me. I woke up trying to scream..going through the motions but no sound came out. These dreams were so horrible that they took away the better part of my youth...They robbed me of that worry-free happiness. Not knowing what challeneges were facing me...and what a challenge this was! I let myself go...I'd lost myself in this...I was incapacitated. This went on through my youth and teen years and even though I tried to overcome these dreams...I was still in high school and was trying to enjoy my life then, not knowing that there was a black shadow lingering in my own home. A home where you're supposed to fee l safe. Where you're supposed to BE safe, away from danger....a little piece of Heaven on Earth. In my case, it wasn't like that. My nightmares kept happening..these horrible nightmares of this monster choking me became more intense and I didn't understand why I was still feeling like...But now...I know why. :(
My father was a very busy man in politics. For that reason, he wasn't home that much. My mother had a very active social life. So she wasn't at home much, either. We were left in the care of maids. This caused me very much pain inside because it was because of this that the nightmare became reality. It always was reality...I just realized what it was.
In my innocent youth, I was abused in my own home. I remembered playing with my dolls in my room, my teaset....being a little girl... I created my world of magic and beauty around me in the midst of all the abuse and I didn't understand why. Many times I didn't hear him come into my room...I just felt those strong arms and my mouth covered...without being able to scream or say anything...completely paralyzed...and having to let the desires of another being be forced on me...his sister. And afterwards, I cried and I would say to him I was going to tell the whole world what happened. He just laughed and threatened me with so many things that I thought were huge- at my young age everything seemed bigger than it was....and too big to fight.
The saddest part of all this was that when I told on him, I wasn't believed. After all these years, my parents still don't believe me...They can't accpet that it could've happened in their home, in their family....It happened many times through many years, being terrorized in my own home...being watched, spied on and treated like shit by him...Hoping with every dawn...my eyes full of tears, longing for that day, yes...that day..hopefully something new would happen and someon would come and rescue me...take me away....far away.
As I write this down and share these words with You, the reader, and many people out there who've gone through or who are going through similar circumstances those who are trying to escape from their memories or actual abuse, I have one thing to say: You have the power to change it. Only you and nobody else. Stop the abuse, whatever the cost. Nobody deserves to live like that and there's a Life to live...Free...Beautiful...and the best part of it is that nowadays, people actually LISTEN and are there to extend a hand to help you escape the abuse. It's your Life to Live. Do it.
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