The Third Deadly Beast (Actually the First)

Well, something did happen much worse than the depression and anxiety...and it happened before anything else, much earlier in my life...I believe it was the root of all this suffering.

Ever since I was a little girl, I always had these dreams. They always began with a black shadow...It came on top of me and started choking me. I woke up trying to scream..going through the motions but no sound came out. These dreams were so horrible that they took away the better part of my youth...They robbed me of that worry-free happiness. Not knowing what challeneges were facing me...and what a challenge this was! I let myself go...I'd lost myself in this...I was incapacitated. This went on through my youth and teen years and even though I tried to overcome these dreams...I was still in high school and was trying to enjoy my life then, not knowing that there was a black shadow lingering in my own home. A home where you're supposed to fee l safe. Where you're supposed to BE safe, away from danger....a little piece of Heaven on Earth. In my case, it wasn't like that. My nightmares kept happening..these horrible nightmares of this monster choking me became more intense and I didn't understand why I was still feeling like...But now...I know why. :(

My father was a very busy man in politics. For that reason, he wasn't home that much. My mother had a very active social life. So she wasn't at home much, either. We were left in the care of maids. This caused me very much pain inside because it was because of this that the nightmare became reality. It always was reality...I just realized what it was.

In my innocent youth, I was abused in my own home. I remembered playing with my dolls in my room, my teaset....being a little girl... I created my world of magic and beauty around me in the midst of all the abuse and I didn't understand why. Many times I didn't hear him come into my room...I just felt those strong arms and my mouth covered...without being able to scream or say anything...completely paralyzed...and having to let the desires of another being be forced on me...his sister. And afterwards, I cried and I would say to him I was going to tell the whole world what happened. He just laughed and threatened me with so many things that I thought were huge- at my young age everything seemed bigger than it was....and too big to fight.

The saddest part of all this was that when I told on him, I wasn't believed. After all these years, my parents still don't believe me...They can't accpet that it could've happened in their home, in their family....It happened many times through many years, being terrorized in my own home...being watched, spied on and treated like shit by him...Hoping with every dawn...my eyes full of tears, longing for that day, yes...that day..hopefully something new would happen and someon would come and rescue me...take me away....far away.

As I write this down and share these words with You, the reader, and many people out there who've gone through or who are going through similar circumstances those who are trying to escape from their memories or actual abuse, I have one thing to say: You have the power to change it. Only you and nobody else. Stop the abuse, whatever the cost. Nobody deserves to live like that and there's a Life to live...Free...Beautiful...and the best part of it is that nowadays, people actually LISTEN and are there to extend a hand to help you escape the abuse. It's your Life to Live. Do it.

The Second Deadly Beast

After I was able to overcome the Depression, I thought I'd be free from this prison but I wasn't.

That's when the Anxiety came...The Second Deadly Beast.

Talk about nightmares! What about this one- It is the most horrible feeling...it leaves us without emotional and physical energy...Weak in every way imaginable. How can I describe it better? Well, imagine while you're driving...everything around you starts looking foggy and you can't hear that well...your heart is going 4,000 miles an hour...your feet and hands get icy cold and it's very hard to concentrate on driving and you keep telling yourself that you're fine...all you want is to get home as soon as possible. But it doesn't happen like that-fast enough for you...and when you think you are finally getting there, you get stuck at a red light...Then it gets worse. Now you really are in a state of panic. You start shaking... You don't have control of yourself and people are kind of looking at you because you open the windows trying to get some air. Then you close them and you move and move and move- losing total control and trying not to look like a fool.

It takes total control of you and your mind...the only thing is to get home and feel safe because- Hey it's okay to pass out at home! Sounds funny but in reality it's a feeling of total blackout and if you can survive it with out embarassing yourself - it's a miracle!

Yes, that's the way it is. There were many things that I did and tried to get out of this anxiety...to overcome it. Though it's something that's inside me...I finally found a way to control it...or deal with it as it happens. It's funny because I asked myself "what can be worse than this?"

I've should've never asked.

A New Beginning

Why do I want to share my personal experiences?

During the course of my lifetime, I've gone through many challenges and I've learned a lot from them and how to overcome them.

I asked myself, "What is it that influences human beings the most in this life?" For many people it's writing poems...having adventures around the world... discovering new things that make them feel wanted and alive...It can be simple things like reading, watching movies, sharing good times with friends, dancing...etc...There are so many things that motivate us as human being to discover ourselves..new things that excite us...that give us the desire, the stamina to live and, through our examples help others make positive changes in their lives. I've discovered many things and I want to share my personal experiences on this journey.

The foundation of my life has been to always keep myself motivated...something that every human being possesses but doesn't always bring to the surface. I've discovered that in the moments in my life when I'd lost all hope for everything- my dreams, my desires, my hopes...everything because I couldn't see a way out, an end to my suffering...It was a horrible time in my life and I didn't want to exist anymore. I decided "Enough was enough"- I needed to stay alive! So I began to research, sounds so clinical but I had to remove myself somehow..from myself...so I began to read and study...invesitgate, watch television programs...and what I discovered from all this I hope will be an inspiration to others.

There were four primary chains around my neck that kept me from joy, from living my life happily and fully: Depression, Anxiety, Anorexia and Abuse. Four silent killers, each one deadly in its own right. I battled them all and survived.