The Last Deadly Beast

Speaking of so many deep things, tormenting and significant that changed the course of my life...to the most extreme point imaginable.

I've always thought that taking care of yourself in all aspects of life is important. It didn't help that the Abuser called me names every day-for I don't know how many years, taking control of me in every way. One of the things he repeatedly said to me that affected me the most was "You look like a Pig! Nobody will ever like you or want you!" When it's something like that so constant, you come to believe it. You become brainwashed. I believed it and I started to act like a "street person"...a cast-off in my own home. I wore the same clothes every day, didn't take care of myself...I had no motivation at all...stayed in my room day and night, only coming out to eat or use the bathroom.

One day I heard a song by one of my favorite singers, Gloria Estéfan, called "Get on your feet." It was THE motivation I needed. Please listen to it. Turn up your speakers now and listen...then come back...Okay, I started to run again and take care of myself...I felt like a girl once again. As a woman I have such great worth...and I have a lot to offer to the world.

It went to the extreme, though because the exercise took over. I didn't realize the signs that I was experiencing because I was living again...I felt alive again. I didn't realize what was happening. I wanted to have this beautiful body that all the world would admire. It became too much more than I wanted. When I got married, I wanted my husband to always be proud of me....so I pushed myself more and more beyond the limit. I didn't just run..I biked, hiked, I did aerobics EVERY day, six days a week. I just about stopped eating...it was very little...orange juice, chocolate chip cookies and Coca-Cola slurpees... Without realizing it, I was on a path that perhaps would have no return.

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I only saw that everything I was doing wasn't working. In my mind, I was not achieving that goal...My body was so weak. I was nauseous all the time...dizzy, sick to my stomach most of the time. I had no energy to do anything. I just wanted to go to bed after I did my exercises...but I had this obsession...

Can you imagine my surprise when I went to the doctor and he came into the room after the exam and he said to me..." Do you realize you're pregnant? What are you doing? Why are you killing yourself and your baby. Why don't you want to give him a chance to live?" So I started crying because I didn't know. I was already three months pregnant but I thought the symptoms were just because of my eating and exercise...I didn't realize I could've been pregnant. I realized I had to stop and I had to recover for my baby. By then, my body was at it's worst state of anorexia- it was rejecting food and the doctor told me it was possible I'd gone beyond the point of no return...that I was dying. I weighed 95 lbs. three months pregnant.

The only cure for that was being in bed most of my pregnancy and the care and dedication of my mother. It was she who spoon-fed me special, nutritious broth...I couldn't hold the spoon and many times couldn't swallow the little bit of broth. I cried every time I ate because I really felt that I was...done. My mother never gave up on me. She kept pushing me to eat...two months of this constant care and my body began to recover...

A combination of many things helped me recover....spiritually, as well. I gave birth to a five and a half pound baby girl. She was my salvation. I lived to give her life...and she in turn, gave me mine.

I can't say that I'm not anorexic anymore. Like many other illnesses, it's not curable but treatable. I've controlled it and it doesn't control me anymore. In times of stress, it comes back with vengeance, but I do eat...not like I was before. Though it's very little, I do eat. i learned I have to balance everything I do. Though I went to different hospitals, doctors, counselors...none of them helped.

I've recovered from all these Beasts I've written about through very simple ways...I will share with you in my next blog..There is a cure....there is a way out. But not with meds or extreme methods of treatment. I will share with you what helped me...The Power in You is the Key.

A New Beginning

Why do I want to share my personal experiences?

During the course of my lifetime, I've gone through many challenges and I've learned a lot from them and how to overcome them.

I asked myself, "What is it that influences human beings the most in this life?" For many people it's writing poems...having adventures around the world... discovering new things that make them feel wanted and alive...It can be simple things like reading, watching movies, sharing good times with friends, dancing...etc...There are so many things that motivate us as human being to discover ourselves..new things that excite us...that give us the desire, the stamina to live and, through our examples help others make positive changes in their lives. I've discovered many things and I want to share my personal experiences on this journey.

The foundation of my life has been to always keep myself motivated...something that every human being possesses but doesn't always bring to the surface. I've discovered that in the moments in my life when I'd lost all hope for everything- my dreams, my desires, my hopes...everything because I couldn't see a way out, an end to my suffering...It was a horrible time in my life and I didn't want to exist anymore. I decided "Enough was enough"- I needed to stay alive! So I began to research, sounds so clinical but I had to remove myself somehow..from myself...so I began to read and study...invesitgate, watch television programs...and what I discovered from all this I hope will be an inspiration to others.

There were four primary chains around my neck that kept me from joy, from living my life happily and fully: Depression, Anxiety, Anorexia and Abuse. Four silent killers, each one deadly in its own right. I battled them all and survived.