The Last Deadly Beast

Speaking of so many deep things, tormenting and significant that changed the course of my life...to the most extreme point imaginable.

I've always thought that taking care of yourself in all aspects of life is important. It didn't help that the Abuser called me names every day-for I don't know how many years, taking control of me in every way. One of the things he repeatedly said to me that affected me the most was "You look like a Pig! Nobody will ever like you or want you!" When it's something like that so constant, you come to believe it. You become brainwashed. I believed it and I started to act like a "street person"...a cast-off in my own home. I wore the same clothes every day, didn't take care of myself...I had no motivation at all...stayed in my room day and night, only coming out to eat or use the bathroom.

One day I heard a song by one of my favorite singers, Gloria Estéfan, called "Get on your feet." It was THE motivation I needed. Please listen to it. Turn up your speakers now and listen...then come back...Okay, I started to run again and take care of myself...I felt like a girl once again. As a woman I have such great worth...and I have a lot to offer to the world.

It went to the extreme, though because the exercise took over. I didn't realize the signs that I was experiencing because I was living again...I felt alive again. I didn't realize what was happening. I wanted to have this beautiful body that all the world would admire. It became too much more than I wanted. When I got married, I wanted my husband to always be proud of me....so I pushed myself more and more beyond the limit. I didn't just run..I biked, hiked, I did aerobics EVERY day, six days a week. I just about stopped eating...it was very little...orange juice, chocolate chip cookies and Coca-Cola slurpees... Without realizing it, I was on a path that perhaps would have no return.

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I only saw that everything I was doing wasn't working. In my mind, I was not achieving that goal...My body was so weak. I was nauseous all the time...dizzy, sick to my stomach most of the time. I had no energy to do anything. I just wanted to go to bed after I did my exercises...but I had this obsession...

Can you imagine my surprise when I went to the doctor and he came into the room after the exam and he said to me..." Do you realize you're pregnant? What are you doing? Why are you killing yourself and your baby. Why don't you want to give him a chance to live?" So I started crying because I didn't know. I was already three months pregnant but I thought the symptoms were just because of my eating and exercise...I didn't realize I could've been pregnant. I realized I had to stop and I had to recover for my baby. By then, my body was at it's worst state of anorexia- it was rejecting food and the doctor told me it was possible I'd gone beyond the point of no return...that I was dying. I weighed 95 lbs. three months pregnant.

The only cure for that was being in bed most of my pregnancy and the care and dedication of my mother. It was she who spoon-fed me special, nutritious broth...I couldn't hold the spoon and many times couldn't swallow the little bit of broth. I cried every time I ate because I really felt that I was...done. My mother never gave up on me. She kept pushing me to eat...two months of this constant care and my body began to recover...

A combination of many things helped me recover....spiritually, as well. I gave birth to a five and a half pound baby girl. She was my salvation. I lived to give her life...and she in turn, gave me mine.

I can't say that I'm not anorexic anymore. Like many other illnesses, it's not curable but treatable. I've controlled it and it doesn't control me anymore. In times of stress, it comes back with vengeance, but I do eat...not like I was before. Though it's very little, I do eat. i learned I have to balance everything I do. Though I went to different hospitals, doctors, counselors...none of them helped.

I've recovered from all these Beasts I've written about through very simple ways...I will share with you in my next blog..There is a cure....there is a way out. But not with meds or extreme methods of treatment. I will share with you what helped me...The Power in You is the Key.

The Third Deadly Beast (Actually the First)

Well, something did happen much worse than the depression and anxiety...and it happened before anything else, much earlier in my life...I believe it was the root of all this suffering.

Ever since I was a little girl, I always had these dreams. They always began with a black shadow...It came on top of me and started choking me. I woke up trying to scream..going through the motions but no sound came out. These dreams were so horrible that they took away the better part of my youth...They robbed me of that worry-free happiness. Not knowing what challeneges were facing me...and what a challenge this was! I let myself go...I'd lost myself in this...I was incapacitated. This went on through my youth and teen years and even though I tried to overcome these dreams...I was still in high school and was trying to enjoy my life then, not knowing that there was a black shadow lingering in my own home. A home where you're supposed to fee l safe. Where you're supposed to BE safe, away from danger....a little piece of Heaven on Earth. In my case, it wasn't like that. My nightmares kept happening..these horrible nightmares of this monster choking me became more intense and I didn't understand why I was still feeling like...But now...I know why. :(

My father was a very busy man in politics. For that reason, he wasn't home that much. My mother had a very active social life. So she wasn't at home much, either. We were left in the care of maids. This caused me very much pain inside because it was because of this that the nightmare became reality. It always was reality...I just realized what it was.

In my innocent youth, I was abused in my own home. I remembered playing with my dolls in my room, my teaset....being a little girl... I created my world of magic and beauty around me in the midst of all the abuse and I didn't understand why. Many times I didn't hear him come into my room...I just felt those strong arms and my mouth covered...without being able to scream or say anything...completely paralyzed...and having to let the desires of another being be forced on me...his sister. And afterwards, I cried and I would say to him I was going to tell the whole world what happened. He just laughed and threatened me with so many things that I thought were huge- at my young age everything seemed bigger than it was....and too big to fight.

The saddest part of all this was that when I told on him, I wasn't believed. After all these years, my parents still don't believe me...They can't accpet that it could've happened in their home, in their family....It happened many times through many years, being terrorized in my own home...being watched, spied on and treated like shit by him...Hoping with every dawn...my eyes full of tears, longing for that day, yes...that day..hopefully something new would happen and someon would come and rescue me...take me away....far away.

As I write this down and share these words with You, the reader, and many people out there who've gone through or who are going through similar circumstances those who are trying to escape from their memories or actual abuse, I have one thing to say: You have the power to change it. Only you and nobody else. Stop the abuse, whatever the cost. Nobody deserves to live like that and there's a Life to live...Free...Beautiful...and the best part of it is that nowadays, people actually LISTEN and are there to extend a hand to help you escape the abuse. It's your Life to Live. Do it.

The Second Deadly Beast

After I was able to overcome the Depression, I thought I'd be free from this prison but I wasn't.

That's when the Anxiety came...The Second Deadly Beast.

Talk about nightmares! What about this one- It is the most horrible feeling...it leaves us without emotional and physical energy...Weak in every way imaginable. How can I describe it better? Well, imagine while you're driving...everything around you starts looking foggy and you can't hear that well...your heart is going 4,000 miles an hour...your feet and hands get icy cold and it's very hard to concentrate on driving and you keep telling yourself that you're fine...all you want is to get home as soon as possible. But it doesn't happen like that-fast enough for you...and when you think you are finally getting there, you get stuck at a red light...Then it gets worse. Now you really are in a state of panic. You start shaking... You don't have control of yourself and people are kind of looking at you because you open the windows trying to get some air. Then you close them and you move and move and move- losing total control and trying not to look like a fool.

It takes total control of you and your mind...the only thing is to get home and feel safe because- Hey it's okay to pass out at home! Sounds funny but in reality it's a feeling of total blackout and if you can survive it with out embarassing yourself - it's a miracle!

Yes, that's the way it is. There were many things that I did and tried to get out of this anxiety...to overcome it. Though it's something that's inside me...I finally found a way to control it...or deal with it as it happens. It's funny because I asked myself "what can be worse than this?"

I've should've never asked.

The First of the Four Deadly Beasts

Depression: It's the most horrible and empty feeling any living creature can experience. It's like being on another planet...another world far away from this existence. Everything around us is like in slow-motion. We want to express ourselves, feel, laugh, smile, but instead we just stay still and look...watch...don't participate or offer anything to anyone else. We don't even have the power to act because our minds and bodies are controlled and numbed by this horrible beast.

In my case, I went to many doctors, repeating to each one over and over again the feelings and not getting an answer from anyone. It came to the point I realized, "What the heck?!" They just don't understand and they're really NOT listening to you...Either they're crazy or I am! It's funny because once you mention "depression" to them, that's it. It's part of your history and EVERYTHING that happens to you from then on is "depression." They don't test any further or listen to what you're saying about other symptoms..they just chalk it up to "depression." Or...as they call it "Hormonal Imbalance." So they treat the "Hormonal Imbalance," never getting to the root of the problem. I went through many years of suffering, trying to understand how to change this and stop taking prescription drugs. They only tormented me with their side effects and made me feel like I was in a non-real world. I hated it. And I almost lost myself forever in this state.

On top of everything else, your friends, loved ones, EVERYone around you tries to cheer you up by saying "you can do it," "You're fine...there's nothing wrong with you.." "Shake it off, keep busy..." That's not how it is. The saddest thing is that you have to keep functioning in this, one way or the other because nobody is going to help you through this because "there's nothing wrong with you.." So you keep cooking, washing clothes, cleaning the house, buying groceries, paying bills, getting up and going to work...going through the motions of life but not living it...not enjoying it. Just smiling at solitude. Wow! :( How hard it is!

And on top of everything else...if you're married or with someone on an intimate level you still have to perform. And how can you enjoy that???? When you have no feelings or desires at all, how the Hell are you supposed to enjoy it?! At least, when it's over, he's happy and you are left numb once again, not knowing what just happened. That's depression.

A New Beginning

Why do I want to share my personal experiences?

During the course of my lifetime, I've gone through many challenges and I've learned a lot from them and how to overcome them.

I asked myself, "What is it that influences human beings the most in this life?" For many people it's writing poems...having adventures around the world... discovering new things that make them feel wanted and alive...It can be simple things like reading, watching movies, sharing good times with friends, dancing...etc...There are so many things that motivate us as human being to discover ourselves..new things that excite us...that give us the desire, the stamina to live and, through our examples help others make positive changes in their lives. I've discovered many things and I want to share my personal experiences on this journey.

The foundation of my life has been to always keep myself motivated...something that every human being possesses but doesn't always bring to the surface. I've discovered that in the moments in my life when I'd lost all hope for everything- my dreams, my desires, my hopes...everything because I couldn't see a way out, an end to my suffering...It was a horrible time in my life and I didn't want to exist anymore. I decided "Enough was enough"- I needed to stay alive! So I began to research, sounds so clinical but I had to remove myself somehow..from myself...so I began to read and study...invesitgate, watch television programs...and what I discovered from all this I hope will be an inspiration to others.

There were four primary chains around my neck that kept me from joy, from living my life happily and fully: Depression, Anxiety, Anorexia and Abuse. Four silent killers, each one deadly in its own right. I battled them all and survived.